Every thing is in past tense now


That day, when I went to see Ayyappa Paniker with Pradeep, before leaving for Laddhakh , on the 18th of June, this year , he looked totally distressed as he said— “ellam poi”(Every thing has gone) “now there is only past tense,” He looked pale, thin and tired. I was stunned, as I was not aware of his poor condition. He was saying- “I have lived so much, I have done what I could do, now why should I worry, let death come.” He was consoling himself as we sat quietly not knowing how to console him.
“I have no problem, I need a little oxygen to live, and you know I have written about oxygen in my poems. Now I am facing the same problem.”- He was still consoling himself. Light and shadows were passing through his face one after another; still, his few gestures were sharp and dominant as before. After a few moments, he gained his own old humorous mood and asked Pradeep,  “So you people are going to the Himalayas, are you planning to meet Shiva on Kailash? You can communicate through satellite.” Pradeep replied back as usual –“yes, we would certainly like to meet him, if he likes to meet us.” While we were getting ready to go, he again fell into depression. He said to Pradeep, -“I am lucky that you people came from far off places and became my friends. Please bless me, before going on your Yatra; (was he thinking about his Yatra? I doubt now). Pradeep quietly put his hands on Dr Paniker’s head, and then took his hands in his own. He turned to me and asked- “Do I look like my own ghost?” I replied—“no, you are very much the same Ayyappa Paniker. I touched his feet and sought his blessings for the yearly celebration of Kritya which was supposed to be held in Jammu(my web journal- www.kritya.in) He blessed me—“ellaam nannavum (every thing will be great.) you are going to achieve a lot in future.”

If some body claims to know Ayyappa Paniker, then he is certainly mistaken as knowing Ayyappa Paniker is impossible, such a complex personality that he was. I had always felt that he was five feet above the earth and 10 feet below, still I say that I know him for more than 12 years. Those days when I was working with Kerala Hindi Prachar sabha, I happened to meet Muneendra ji of kalpna (Hyderabad) in a meeting. He told me, “Rati ji, you must bring Malayalam literature into Hindi through translation, otherwise how can you return the debt you owe this land where you have been  living for long?” Thus the idea of translation dawned in my mind. After some time, I got a letter from Bhasha, a journal from Delhi to send them a Malayalam poem of a contemporary poet. I asked Balakrishna Pillai of Hindi Prachar Sabha regarding this. As per his instruction, I went to see Ayyappa Paniker who had his office near Hindi Prachar Sabha. I was seated in the waiting room and after some time, a short man with gray beard came down the steps. His broad smile and big teeth were in contrast to his sad and deep eyes; he did not look like a poet to me until he spoke. When I asked for a poem to translate, he asked me - “Can you read Malayalam?
“Not very well, sir!” I replied honestly.
He smiled and went up again and brought a small book of poetry. While giving this book,  he asked me to see the poem “Kannamma”. I thanked him and came back. I translated that poem with the help of others.
Then, a time came in my life, when I was very disappointed with the dirty politics in Kerala Hindi Prachar sabha. I was sad and lonely. In that mood, I opened the book given by Ayyappa Paniker and tried to read some of his poems. The title of the first poem was “Kurukshetram” which attracted me because of the state of my mind then. To release my tension, I started reading and translating that poem. By the time I completed the poem, I had become a fan of the poet. “Kurukshetram” was the poem which had changed the direction of Malayalam poetry and a whole generation of poets got inspired by this poem. Even though I had accidentally read it, I too became an admirer of the poem in the end.
A few months later, Ayyappa Paniker phoned me and asked- “Can you translate a few stories of a Malayalam writer?” I agreed happily and went to his office and he gave me Chandramati’s stories. When I went to give him the translations of those stories, he gave me five poems of his own- “Video Death” and others (these poems got published in journals like Vagarth, Samakaleen Sahitya etc and attracted a number of people. )
I could not digest those poems at first, may be because of my immaturity; but when I handed over the translations, he asked me for the first time – “how do you like Kerala?”
“I used to like Kerala, while I was staying at home, but when I come out to work , I do not like the politics of my place of work”.- I replied
He smiled and said- “Read Malayalam literature, you will like Kerala certainly.”
Then he asked hesitatingly,- “Would you like to translate a book of poetry? Sahitya Academy may publish it – as it is an award winning book”
I happily accepted. He took out an inland letter from his desk and dictated something to me. This time when I returned from his office, I had with me a book of poetry.
I tried to read, but found it very difficult. I called a young girl as a tutor to help me in reading and could complete the first draft of translation in six months. Ayyappa Paniker never asked about the translation after that and when I phoned him said that he was very busy then and that he could see the translation only in the month of April or May.
I got an appointment to meet him in the month of May. I could meet him at 2pm at his residence. Not knowing the exact distance, I reached the spot ten minutes prior to the appointed time. I rang the doorbell but the door would open only after ten minutes, Ayyappa Paniker told me, “I was serving food to my daughter, that was why I asked you to come at 2 pm.” I found everything very strange in his home as though a storm was blowing on the tip of his books. He introduced me to his wife and  his daughter Meena. He asked me to read the poems carefully; we continuasly worked for 2 hours, without any break or talk other than of poetry. At four o’clock he got up saying, I have to make tea for my daughter and wife; do you want to have tea? I said—“No sir, thanks” and came back.
To complete the revision on his poetry, I had to go to his house for almost 18 days. I was very much impressed by his concentration. At the same time I was astonished to see his devotion to his family. His daughter was not too young, still she used to call now and then to her father- “acchaaa (papa)”, and he immediately attended to her demands. His wife would either be taking bath or doze on the sofa. She became friendly with me and talking to her, I came to know that Dr Paniker made breakfast and cooked rice. Evening tea was also his duty. If the servant did not turn up, washing utensils was also his duty. I realized slowly that these arrangements were due to the illness of his
wife and daughter
I was touched by his love towards his daughter. His daughter was constantly dependent on him for her smallest needs- “accha, which duppatta should I wear with this dress” or “which slipper must I put on”. Sometimes she used to come and say—“accha, I am thirsty,” and Dr Paniker would immediately get up to make tea for her.
The most surprising thing was that Ayyappa Paniker never complained about his wife’s or daughter’s behavior.
He was looking after both of them like a dutiful,  traditional “wife”. He used to call his daughter with so much affection---- MiyaaaN. (her name is Meena) as though he was singing MiyaN ki ki Todi. I have never heard a father calling his daughter so lovingly. By the time I could finish the revision of his book, he asked me to phone if any doubts cropped up, but not between 6 and 9 in the morning, as he cooked breakfast then(Breakfast in Kerala is not an easy job as they have a variety of
curries)  After that he took his bath and then his breakfast. By the time he comes to his study room, it would be 9 am. I was too shocked to know this, as I could not imagine that there was some one who never complained about his duties. He never wanted to talk about the problems in his family, so he accepted his duty saying – “See people go for walk, I work in the kitchen, and this gives me exercise. You know all the Rasas are in the kitchen, we take a lot from there to poetry.” I must admit, at end of this translation session I became his admirer.

After the book got ready, he told me- “Next time you go to see your mother in Delhi, go to Kedar nath singh ji too. He is my friend and he will let me know about your translations.” Once he judged my translations from different sources, he loaded me with a number of works of other Malayalam writers. He made me translate Balamonyamma, Karoor, Takazhy and others. I felt that he had found a translator in me and was utilizing me for Malayalam literature. This annoyed me at times. He kept on introducing me to big names of our times like Ashok Vajpeyi, Kedarnath singh and Vishnu Khare. This habit was also becoming quite painful to me as none except Kedarnath Singh gave me any importance, as they might have taken me as just another product of Paniker’s group. Once I complained to him about his habit of introducing me to big people, saying--“I am nobody in Hindi literature, how can they accept me without my background? When you introduce me to them, they get suspicious. So please do not introduce me to anyone.”
He replied—“See, I am doing this for Malayalam literature, not for you.”
I was shocked by his bluntness. But this was the Ayyappa --some times very affectionate, sometimes very blunt.
People in Kerala know how difficult it is to go to Paniker’s home and how difficult Paniker himself was. I could not go to his home after the translation of my first book.
Time to time, I was too much disturbed by his strange behavior. He was always loading me with translation work. He made me write a book on Balamonyamma, but he was also careful that my work should not go waste. As soon as my works got over, he used to pressurize concerned people to publish or to pay me. He had quite a few strange habits -- he could call me any time, if he wanted me to do some work of translation of any Malayalam writer; but at the same time, when I called him he would put down the phone saying  “vilikyaam” (I will call you). Sometimes he used to ask me—“Are you coming this side? I have to give you some material for translation.” But once while passing through his way, I had gone to his home, he refused to see me as he was very busy correcting the English translation of Karoor Neelkanta Pillai for Sahitya Academy with the translator. I was extremely disappointed by his behavior. He never got time to listen to my complaints. Ayyappa Paniker was always in a hurry, he did not have time to stop – chareveti chareveti - this little man was always working at home, in the office, in literature and out of literature.

There were few things for which I will always miss him. Whenever I went out for any seminar or tour he would want me to inform him of each single detail about the function. He would give me some names and ask me to meet them; he never forgot to say “shubh yatra” except during his last days when I was coming to Kalady. Actually, Ayyappa Paniker was a man of relationship. He has developed a number of relationships with a number of people. All relationships were different, from person to person. His relationship with Balamonyamma was a relationship of deity and devotee. He almost worshipped her. He himself had a number of admirers, both men and women. Each one has a different story to tell about the generosity showed by him towards them. He had sharp eyes to pick a proper person. I remember the book release function of my book on Atharvaveda – that time, he was not well but he himself asked me to conduct the function. I asked him—“Sir! You are not well, so we can postpone.” He said- “no problem, you arrange every thing; I will come there, even though I cannot speak” and went on to ask me about the speakers in the meeting. At last, he suggested a strange name- “You should call a young teacher named Radhakrishnan, he is somewhere in the university.” He knew him only by his first name, nothing more, and for me it was very difficult to find out such a personality. Dr Paniker was quite sick by that time. Still he phoned me several times and ask—“Did you find out that young man?” I was too worried as I could not disturb him by telling that I had failed in finding that person. Luckily I could find out the man, he was Lecturer in Malayalam in Sanskrit University. When I talked over phone to him, he was astonished, as he had never talked to Ayyappa Paniker before. He recalled how he had criticized the cover page of Paniker’s book. Radhkrishnan is too shy a person but quite knowledgeable and the sharp eyes of Paniker could guage his capacity. There is no doubt that Radhakrishnan’s speech was the best and well received in my function. I am sure Radhakrishnan will never forget Ayyappa in his life.
Ayyappa’s relationships had a gentle face too, right from You are life Sandhya, Death too you are (Ni tanne jivitam sandhye, ni tanne maranavum sandhye ) to Holiday wispers,( Ozhivu kala samvadam) and Poetry at Midnight ( Pattu mani pookal). Ayyappa was talking about very sweet relations and the pain accompanying those relationships. There is no doubt that he lived with those relations and they were with him till his death. A few days after Dr Paniker’s death, I got Colleen’s (Paniker’s Sandhya) phone number from a card carelessly kept inside my book. I called her and informed her of Paniker’s death. She replied in a typical American style“Oh I am sorry, did he have a heart attack?” I told her that he was sick for quite some time. She replied – “I am sorry, and thanks for informing me.” Her voice did not have the sweetness of relationship, I could not tell her— O Sandhya, your sun has set, he has woven a golden dress of words for you, it is your fate that you could not wear this dress. … No...No… now I understand those words were not for any particular relationship; those words were for all the relationships which grow in this world as flower or dawn. These words are for those relations which take birth in the heart of every man and woman- these words are from a saint who believed in human relationship more than in God. Ayyappa Paniker is not dead; he is not past tense, he is here in this world, in those poems, in those memories, in those sweet words that he gave us.

The sketches and drawings in this issue are also made by Dr Ayyappa Paniker . We remember him through his wonderful art too

Rati Saxena